Depression and Food

So, for nearly a week now I have been depressed and eating whatever I want.  This is not good for my weight loss plans.  I am hoping to get back on track today.  I am hoping that posting this will give me some sort of accountability and help me to get back to normal and stick to it.  So far I am doing well.  I have had my normal breakfast and I have good plans for the rest of the day.  This morning I was 173.6

Yesterday I worked on purging my closet of clothing that is too big and that helped, it was kind of inspiring.  I also noticed that that I actually kinda like the naked me.  I find it funny that I noticed this at a time when I have been sooo off plan.  Maybe this noticing was given to me as a way to get me to get back to it?

B90X

Ok, so we found a church.  One of the things that was mentioned at this church was a program called B90X.  It is a program in which you read the entire Bible in 90 days (technically, 88).  I've decided to do this and have completed the first 2 days already.  I should finish on November 12.  I'm betting it's going to be an interesting journey.

Life

Weight Loss - My weight loss has slowed down to pretty much a halt.  There is a bit of me not trying hard enough, but I also have a doctor's appointment because I have spent more time in the last few months trying than not trying, but I'm still not losing.  I have decided to take my body bugg off for at least a few days and just not think about it.  I don't mean to go completely crazy and go back to my old eating ways, but I need a break from such extreme focus.

The rest of life - I have found a new church.  I like it.  The pastor wears jeans, and that is awesome.  It's a very friendly place and has a great children's program which is important because of the next new thing.  Hubby and I have started the process of adopting.  We are going through the county to adopt a foster child/children.  I am honestly hoping for a sibling set of 2-3 kids.  We are undecided so far about exactly what we are going to tell them about ages.  We have considered telling them 0-5 and we have also considered telling them up to 10 or that up to 10 would be good in a sibling set with younger kids.  We are currently in the process of prepping the house.  That means lots of sorting and clearing things out.  It also means we need to rehome some cats.  I think that 5 cats is too many anyhow, but if you add kids to it then that's definitely well above too many.

Running Shoes and Happiness

I have been having such shoes issues!  Even going to a running store and getting a professional fitting didn't work, and I tried twice!  The shoes I had been using for so long finally gave out on me - they had gotten so big on me since I have lost weight even in my feet that they were sliding all over the place and making it dangerous to run.  Sadly, I was already in the smallest size of those that the stores carry.  Thus began my shoe hunt and it has been horrid.  I started by going to the running store and they put me in some shoes that made the sides of my feet hurt if I ran for more than a few minutes.  I took them back and they put me in some that are great - for everything except what they are made for, running.  If I run or jog in them the balls of my feet are killing me at 5-10 minutes in.  They refused to do a second exchange, so my $120 Asics running shoes are now just plain gym shoes.  I went and got some Reeboks that are supposed to be for running - $110.  Ouch at about 5 minutes.  Spent over a week talking the store into an exchange.  Finally I just went to Payless and bought a $30 pair of Champions, also labeled running shoes.  All of my running shoe dreams have come true!  These things are awesome, and just to ice the cake a bit, they are much cuter than any of the others.  Sadly, my running ability has declined while I was spending all this time not running because of shoe issues.  That's ok though, I'll fix it.  I am soooo happy.  It's a bit surreal to me that running shoes have made me this happy.  Running shoes!  Me!  The girl that formerly would have only run to save her life.  Then again, I guess that's exactly what I'm doing!

Goodbye Fat Roxy

Dear Fat Roxy,

    It is time for our relationship to be over.  This has been a lifelong relationship and I almost can’t believe that I am leaving it, but I am.  I am leaving for good.  I won’t say that I’m sorry that it’s over, but I also won’t say that I’m completely sorry to have known you.  There are reasons that you were in my life, reasons that I needed you, and I thank you for being here to help me with those things.  I don’t need you anymore, though, I can do it on my own. 

    I thank you for the lessons that you have taught me.  From you I have learned a lot about me, but there has been a lot of pain too.  Because of you I have spent way too much on clothes.  Shopping has been pure hell.  I  have spent years questioning myself and my self worth.  I have found myself crying because of being criticized by others.  I have regretted not taking part in things because I was too self conscious or didn’t have the energy.  You’ve made me feel guilty for enjoying food.  You’ve made me feel ugly and unwanted.  You have caused me health problems and self esteem issues.  You have made it difficult for me to relate to others.  You have made it hard for me to have a family.  You have made me self conscious and nervous.  You turned me into a self indulgent, whiny, brat.  You have taken away my energy.  I am tired of it and I will not take it any more.  I am never going to come back to you, we are done, finished, over!

    I have a new love.  My new love is Healthy Roxy.  Healthy Roxy has given me so much more.  I have learned that food is not something to feel guilty over.  I have learned that healthy food can be yummy and addictive.  I have learned self control.  I have learned that I can be powerful, strong, healthy, sexy, vibrant, and energetic.  I have learned that I want to run.  I have learned how to set and to smash goals.  I have learned that I really can do anything I set my mind to.  I have learned how to be a good role model.  I have learned not to be afraid.  I have learned that I don’t always have to do it the “girly” way.  I have learned that muscle is good.  I have learned good habits.  I have learned that sweat won’t kill me.  I have learned to be proud.  I have learned to participate.  I have learned to stop lying to myself.  I have learned that I DO NOT need the brownies.  I have learned to love and respect me.  So, Fat Roxy, I am leaving you for Healthy Roxy because she’s better for me.  I would like to say that had I never known you I would not be able to appreciate Healthy Roxy nearly as much, and for that I will always be grateful.  However, at this point I have gotten all I can from my relationship with you and you will never see me again.


Goodbye,
Roxy

Slim In 6

I started the Slim in 6 program from Beach Body.  Today was day 3.  I'm not sure if I am going to be doing this for a full 6 weeks or not.  I don't want to get prematurely cocky, but it may get too easy for me before the 6 weeks is up.  My plan is to do Slim in 6 until it is too easy (whether that is 3 weeks or 12) and then move on to the harder programs that Beach Body offers. 

My order is going to be:
1. Slim in 6
2. P90X
3. Insanity
4. A second round of P90X, but using the P90X+ videos

I am taking sets of before and after pics for each one and I will post them as I finish each program.  I am really excited about the whole thing.  I may be a masochistic freak, but I can't wait to get to the harder stuff.

Out of my Bounce!

So today I weighed in at 167 even.  I am finally out of the 167.5-170 bounce that I had been doing for 19 days! Now to work on staying out of it.

Size 10

It is a really bad picture, but that is me in size 10 levis and a small shirt.  That's right, small!

Frustrations

On May 29 I got below 170 with a weight of 168.8.  Since then I have bounced around between 167.5 and 170 - though only in the 170s once during that time.  I have no idea what is going on.  Since I have kept perfectly to my plan and I have had some days that I have burned over 4,000 calories, this should not be happening.  I should be in the low 160s by now.  I don't know what to do.  I know what I want to do - I want to go cry into a milkshake and a pizza.  I'm not going to do that, but I want to.  I know that my plan works, if it didn't I would still be 245, but this is driving me insane!

Down But Definitely Not Out

Well, I had to have surgery.  In preparation for surgery I had to go off of any non-prescription meds for a week.  That meant no vitamins, no SlimQuick, no B-12, no energy, and some weight gain.  I am up just over 8 pounds since before the surgery - today I was at 180.4, grrrrrr!  A lot of that is probably water weight and a bit of weight from the splint on my arm, but it is still frustrating since I had just gotten truly back into the swing of things.  It went well though and my splint comes off on the 24th.  I was able to restart all my meds today and I had the energy to do a 45 minute dance workout and 40 minutes on the treadmill.  Unfortunately I can't do much for strength training with my arms because of the splint and stitches, but 12 days will pass by quickly (I hope).

Back with a Vengeance

So for most of March and about half of April I was not really in the game.  I was giving some half-hearted effort for most of it and I actually took 9 days completely off for my birthday week (not something I plan to do in future years).  During that time I bounced between the 175 I had worked so hard to get to by the end of February and about 184.  Part of it is that I started a new job, but I don't think that is a good enough excuse.  Plenty working folks manage to also find time for fitness.  So now I am back with a vengeance.  I plan to post more often as a way to keep myself accountable.  I have also decided to start planning out dinner for the month ahead of time (I already have May done).  I made it simple by sorting the days by meat choice (or lack of meat in the case of meatless Monday).  I am doing Sunday - bird, Monday - meatless,  Tuesday - fish, Wednesday - free day (that will be the day we eat leftovers or maybe go out to eat, whatever we feel like), Thursday - bird, Friday - pork, and Saturday - red meat.  After that was sorted it was just a matter of choosing a prep method, a good carb, and veggies for each day.  I don't usually choose veggies ahead of time though since for the most part what we eat is so simple and fast to prep.  We use frozen veggies, we toss the amount we want in a dish and microwave it, then we can each put seasoning on it as we like.  I have done meal plans a week ahead for a while now, but with the job thing I think planning a month ahead will free up a good deal of time for me. I'm currently at 172.6 and in a size 12.  I would like to be in a 10 by the end of July.  I know I can do that if I just stick to it and stop the excuses, so here it goes.

I'm sorry, but excuses piss me off

I've lost 70 pounds.  Of course people that know this ask me how to do it, they want my secrets.  They say what a miracle it is.  I HATE when they say it is a miracle.  It pisses me off.  I tell them it is not a miracle, it is hard work.  I am using a body bugg to help with a calorie counting program.  I weigh and measure everything I eat (ok, I don't weigh and measure at restaurants, but I rarely go out to eat).  I log every calorie that goes in my mouth and my bugg logs every calorie I burn.  I watch what I eat and I work my ass off at the gym.  I don't eat junk.  I LOVE brownies.  I haven't had one since June.  Do I want a brownie?  Hell yeah!  Do I want my health and some size 4 jeans even more?  You better believe it.  I hate being sweaty, I really really hate it.  I do not hate it as much as busting out of size 20 jeans which is what I was doing this time last year.  I do what I do because it works.  When I start explaining my plan to these people their eyes glaze over or they start making excuses why that wouldn't work for them about 30 seconds into my explanation.  Bullshit it won't work for you.  You have kids and no time to go to the gym?  There are gyms with daycare and/or parent rooms.  There are things you can do at home while the kids nap or play.  There are things you can do WITH your kids.  How about instead of popping your kid in front of elmo for the millionth time you actually get off your ass and go outside to play with them.  You can burn some serious calories chasing a 2 year old.  You can't afford a gym?  And there is some reason why you can't march in place while watching the hours of television that I know you watch?  You have a living room you can exercise in.  There are exercise videos on youtube, and if you are reading this then you can get to youtube.  You can't exercise because it hurts?  There is something that anyone can do, you just have to be willing to put in the work to find out what it is.  For most of us walking is not a problem and it is an awesome exercise.  I don't want to hear that you can't walk for more than a couple minutes.  Usually what is meant is that they don't want to because it is uncomfortable and they are lazy.  Nobody said you had to go from couch potato to running marathons over night.  The key is to do what you can do every single day and soon enough you will see that you can do more and more and more.  If you truly do have a medical problem then you should talk to your doc, I promise that they can help you find ways you can lose weight.  You can't eat healthy because your kids won't eat that stuff?  If they are hungry they will eat what you give them and you will be a better parent for feeding them healthier food.  If you don’t give them the crap then maybe when they are adults they won’t have inherited the weight problems.  Your spouse stops you from eating healthy because they refuse to eat it?  If they can refuse then so can you.  They are old enough to fix their own food, you don’t have to fix junk.  Tell them if they want junk they need to get it themselves.  What they eat has nothing to do with what you put in your mouth and I doubt very seriously that they are going to up and leave you for wanting to be healthy (if they would, then why do you want them anyhow?).  The weighing and measuring is too hard?  Being fat isn't hard?  My weighing and measuring takes me a few moments per meal.  It is not that hard.  You can't eat better because you are addicted to sugar or chocolate, or caffeine or whatever?  Don't tell it to me.  I am an ex-smoker, an ex-chocoholic, an ex-carboholic, and a few other ex-something.  I also have a father and 2 brothers who are recovering alcoholics, and my father and one of the brothers are also ex-smokers and I have 2 more brothers who quit smoking.  There are tons of people out there who have conquered addictions.  I don't want to hear that you can't, because can't doesn't exist in my world.  I am so tired of hearing people’s excuses.  Just admit that you are lazy.  If you want to be lazy and unhealthy, that’s your business, just don’t try to blame it on others or tell me you can’t.  Nobody is sitting there forcing you to sit on the couch and polish off an entire bucket of fried chicken followed by a family sized bag of M&Ms.  I spent years being lazy and unhealthy, but I never once said it was someone else’s fault and I never claimed it was impossible for me to be better.  I have not found a miracle, I have not found some easy way out, I have just stopped being lazy, I decided I was more important than the cheeseburger was.  I am sorry that I can’t tell you that I have some pill you can take to melt the pounds away or some magic fruit that you can eat that takes away all the calories in the mounds of trash food you follow it with.  There is nothing that will allow you to keep living like that and also be fit.  The choice is to get over that dream or to stay as you are.  If you truly want it, you will do it.

Half-Time

So today I get up and I hop on the scale.  I was hoping to see something below 180.6.  180.5 would have been enough to make me a happy camper, anything more than that would have made me exceedingly happy.  What do I see?  179.8!  That’s right, I am out of the 180s and I am officially halfway to goal!  I am sooo excited.  I won’t say that I never thought I could do this because I knew I could, but there have definitely been times when I’ve been doubtful.  I am sure there will be more times I am doubtful as I work on the second half.  However, it is in these moments that I can see who I am supposed to be.  This is what makes the counting and the logging and the label watching and the gym time all worth it.  Good Goddess, this feels good!  It may be half-time, but there will be no break.  My happy dance shall serve as the half-time show and then I will press on, because I can damnit.

10,000 Crunches

I have a goal of 10,000 crunches in 2010.  I am doing lots of other work to get the cushioning off of me, so I figure the crunches will build my abs up and once the fat is finally gone and they are unveiled, they will look fabulous.  Or I'm just insane, take your pick.

Yearly Total: 4,677

January:  884

February: 1,685

March: 467
April: 495 
May: 250
June:796

July: 100

 

1,000 miles

I am going to move my body 1,000 miles in 2010.  1,000 miles may sound like either a lot or not much depending on who you ask, but to me it is quite a bit and is a worthy goal.  It will take an average of about 83.3 miles/month (2.74 miles/day) to get to 1,000 in a year. I am tracking the miles during my workouts only, not counting things like the walking done to run errands.  I am currently counting bike, elliptical, and walking/jogging/running.  Since I am taking baby steps to become a runner, this is my favorite of the challenges I have for myself.  I hope that as I improve more and more of my miles will come from running and less from other exercises.

Yearly Total So Far: 454.09

January: 68.04

February: 90.12

March: 30.33

April: 72.83
May: 59.10
June: 127.08
July: 6.59
 

I am scared

I'm not perfect.  I do not spell things perfectly all the time or use perfect grammar.  I know this.  However, I am very tired of seeing people want to "curve" their appetites, "loose" weight, etc.  You want to curb your appetite.  You want to lose some weight.  You weighed yourself (not "weighted").  I'm sorry, but I would rather eat a roll since I can't for the life of me figure out how all these people are eating "roles" whether whole grain or otherwise.  You may have "went" to the gym every day this week, but I personally have gone many times.  I have not "drove" there, but I have driven there.  That is just the tip of the rather large iceberg.  It was bad enough when the stupidity seemed limited to individuals and I could hope that it was not going to become too wide spread a problem.  However, today I was reading Fitness Magazine and saw an ad from Blue Diamond nuts that uses the phrase "curve your hunger".  That means that it was approved by 2 large companies, both Blue Diamond and Fitness Magazine.  Upon further research, my husband discovered that Blue Diamond has been running these ads since 2008 or earlier.  I am disgusted and a little bit terrified at the direction this suggests we as a country, as a world, are headed.

Yogurt is my Hero!

I'm talking about plain, non-flavored, non-sweetened yogurt. I use the fat free variety and I get the Wal-Mart, Great Value brand(40 cent for 6 oz.). Per oz (1/8 cup) it is 13.3 calories, 0 fat, 0 cholesterol, 16.6mg sodium, 2.17 g carbohydrate, 0 fiber, 1.17 g protein, and 3.4% daily calcium. This stuff is AWESOME! I have found so many uses for it that it is not even funny and it is definitely now a staple grocery item in my house. I decided I would make a blog post for a list of the things that I do with this amazing, versatile, wonderful product. I will add to the list when I discover more uses - which I am certain that I will. I use it on my sandwiches instead of mayo. I use it in recipes and on baked potatoes instead of sour cream. I make salad dressing with it - 1/8 cup yogurt, seasonings (my new fav is 1/2 tsp hidden valley ranch mix for 5 calories), and a splash of fat free milk to thin it a bit makes enough dressing for about 2 average salads or 1 large (meal sized) salad. I add various seasoning to it to make sauces for pasta, veggies, rice, etc. I put a touch of lemon zest in it and some splenda and spread it thinly on toast - Amazing! I put a little bit of it on top of (thawed) frozen berries in place of the heavy cream I used to use. I mix a bit in the pasta when making mac'n'cheese with low fat cheese, it makes it creamier and more like "real" mac'n'cheese.

The Impossible Achieved

Today I weighed in at 182.6. I have lost 62.4 pounds, I am almost halfway there, and I am seeing numbers on the scale that are the lowest I have seen in my adult life. This is awesome! Very very soon I will weigh less than my hubby. That's a very significant goal for me. I also have only 3.4 more BMI points before I will no longer be considered obese. I can't wait to be overweight. I know that sounds strange, but if you've ever been obese or morbidly obese (as I was when I started out) then you understand.

For me, successful weight loss always seemed impossible. Now I am sitting here looking at what I have accomplished so far and realizing that I am doing the impossible. There's a song in my workout playlist - You're Unstoppable by Paul Hoffman. It has a line in it "unstoppable begins with you". I liked the song from the moment I heard it, but I have never felt it as strongly as I do right now. I am unstoppable. I'm unstoppable because I decided to be. As the song tells me it is time to do I changed my thinking and found my mission. I decided I was not the me I wanted to be so I decided to do something about it. It's not impossible, there's not some amazing secret to it, it's just a lot of hard work.

Lunch time

I left the gym craving red cabbage. Yes, these are the things I have cravings for these days. My lunch was the result.

Tuna melt with veggies and salad:
1 Oroweat multi-grain sandwich thin
1 can light tuna in water - drained
1 slice Kraft 2% swiss
1 cup spring mix salad
1/2 cup raw spinach
Wish Bone Salad Spritzers - Honey Mustard - 7 sprays
1/2 cup chopped zucchini
1/2 cup chopped red cabbage
1/2 tablespoon grapeseed oil

I cooked my zucchini and cabbage in the grapeseed oil with some turmeric.
I popped my sandwich into my little sandwich toaster.
I ate a yummy lunch.

Calories - 350.3
Fat - 12.2
Protein - 33.4
Carbohydrate - 32.8

I could have had 60 less calories if I'd replaced my grapeseed oil with cooking spray, but it can't always be a how low can you go game. Grapeseed oil is good for you and I wanted it, so there!

Size 12 Baby!

OMG Today I can put on a pair of size 12 jeans. They are too tight for me to wear in public, but I can button and zip them without laying down or doing any crazy maneuvers and I can breathe normally once they are all done up. This is so exciting for me. I have no idea when the last time I wore a size 12 was, but I do know that it wasn't in my adult life. I started high school in a size 14. These are also an older pair of jeans that I found at a yard sale, so it's not even a vanity sizing thing - they are a real size 12. I am over the moon with joy! This will be good motivation for me to stay on plan and get my workouts in for months to come I think.

Awesome breakfast

This breakfast was soooo yummy. It is also more proof that healthy eating does not have to be boring or tasteless.
On this plate:
1 Garden Spinach and Herb tortilla from Mission Wraps
3 servings of south western flavor egg beaters
1/4 cup (38g) of reduced fat shredded cheddar (Sargento)
1 slice of fat free turkey (great value from wal-mart)
9g of onion
35 g of mushroom (Green Giant)
2 tablespoons fat free sour cream (great value again)

I warmed my tortilla in my cast iron skillet and then put it on the plate, cooked my egg beaters with cooking spray and placed them on top. I then put the mushrooms, onion, and the turkey (which I had chopped into small bits) into the pan with cooking spray. I put the cheese on top of my egg beaters, when my onions, mushrooms, and turkey were nice and hot I put them on top and added sour cream. I folded it up and enjoyed a very filling, nutritious breakfast.

465.6 calories
38.6 g protein
43.8 g carbohydrate
12.6 g fat

Strength

Today I was on my elliptical for 45 minutes. I then went on to do some strength training. For my strength training I am currently using 5 pound hand weights and thinking of moving up to 6. During my workout today I was thinking back to when I could not finish 5 minutes on the elliptical, when I was using 2 pound weights and could barely get through the exercises with them.

I love how much stronger I am these days and I can't wait to see how much stronger I get as I continue on this journey. I think that has a lot to do with the success I am having. It is not just about losing pounds for me this time. It is about getting stronger and healthier. I am impressed with myself and I'm ok with saying so.

My things to do

There are so many things that I want to do that I am not able to do (or am uncomfortable with) because of my weight. At this point I am 56 pounds down from my starting weight and I am starting to feel like those things will one day be possible for me. I will probably add more to this later, but here are some of the things I want to do when I get to goal.

I want to hike the grand canyon.
I want to take martial arts lessons.
I want to ride a horse again.
I want knee high boots that actually fit and look good on me.
I want to run a marathon.
I want to be comfortable wearing heels.
I want to wear a bathing suit in public.
I want to stop worrying about whether or not a store will have my size.
I want to be able to do 10 pull-ups like a superstar!
I want to feel comfortable sitting in hubby's lap.